Makeda Loney

INSATIABLE

Makeda Loney
INSATIABLE

I am insatiable.

Since the tender cradle of childhood I only wanted love

But growing up in a household where

Love usually means being absent or abused

I settled on filling myself and my world with things that I loved.


Cartoons.

Stuffed animals.

McDonald’s.

Pizza.

My mother’s cooking

Made with the love she couldn’t physically give.

The more I lacked the more I ate

And I didn’t know

That feeling full didn’t mean being fulfilled

So maybe that’s why I ate

Until I wanted to throw it all up

Until I was

Ready to feel comfortably whole again


I am insatiable.

After the promise at the age of 13 that no one would ever love me

I decided to prove that wrong

So I tried to make myself seem as smart as I could

But when you chase a dream that was never meant to be yours

Your passion becomes a pitfall

As my grades fell lower

My waist got bigger

And bigger and bigger

To the point where I wanted to rip my skeleton out of my skin

And start all over again

But apparently all I had to do was be cast in a netflix show

So the fat could melt right off

As if it was never really there


I am insatiable.

So I ran as far as I possibly could to escape those

Demons that rose above me like the heat on the subway

And found a holy land of rolling hills and friends sweet like honey

And space! So much space to disappear.

So I buried myself in extracurricular activities

Like theatre

And poetry  

And none of it was enough

So I worked even harder

Dean’s list

Student speaker

I put this fat body on display

Anywhere that I could

So someone would fucking see me and acknowledge me

I got high on praise

I was told I was a powerhouse on stage

And I knew how to demand attention

Lend me your hearts

Let me feast on a sadness that isn’t my own


I am insatiable

And I can be both

I can be fat and confident

Fat and brave

Fat and drowning in a sadness that isn’t attached to my body

Fat and beautiful

Fat and fuckable

Fat and free to dress how the fuck I please

Fat and vengeful

I have enough space in this body

To be both sinner

And angry god

I can decide to have cake

Buy the ingredients

Whip it

Bake it

And eat that shit too

Because I am infuckingsatiable

And I want to do it all.


I am fat

I am a woman

I am smart

I am powerful

I am insatiable

And the simple

Small minded people of this world

Don’t have quite enough substance

To satisfy me.